Actually….I figured this one out myself.
For anyone that has the same issue on a new install of Alfresco 3.4.d:
Delete the entire database and recreate the basic shell (just the alfresco database and grant permissions). Then, delete everything in the alf_data/lucene_indexes directory. Then restart Alfresco.
Apparently something got corrupted during install and the database was not talking to the content store correctly (or something like that).